I Am Selfish.  

Posted by kw

I woke up to the call from my therapist.  I'd missed my appointment.  I thought that today was Wednesday.  It wasn't.   She kindly offered a later meeting, which I agreed to.   It didn't go so well.  I'm barely functioning.  It takes all that I have to speak, to engage.

I am leaving with Cricket for the shore, this week-end.  It would be so much easier for me to just hang out here, in bed, with my cats.  But I know that Cricket is worried about me.  To the point that she's invited my cats to come with me during the holidays.  (She's super allergic to cats).

I hate myself right now.   I hate me.  I hate my mental illness.  I hate this shitty feeling.  I hate my bloody family, who have abetted my mental illness.  I hate that my mother and I cannot talk about the fact that my father has shut me off.  I hate that my sister shot me down when I was most vulnerable.

I hate the fact that I made the decision to write about how I feel.  Fucking hate me.  Hate being me.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 13, 2008 at Thursday, November 13, 2008 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

5 comments

susan  

you aren''t selfish.

Friday, November 21, 2008
soulful sepulcher  

Dano,

You are a shining light in this world, and your feelings are real and in no way is that selfish. You are an inspiration to me and others, and I thank you for being here.

Stephany :)

Saturday, November 22, 2008
Laura  

Dano, I feel so badly for you but I understand your feelings, especially in regards to your family. You're not selfish, you're just experiencing depression. Be gentle with yourself and try to ride out this storm.

Saturday, November 22, 2008
Anonymous  

Its so very easy to think the worst of yourself when you're feeling bad.

But, you came to my blog and left a very loving and understanding comment. That's not selfish.

However it probably is about time you applied the same sort of love to your own situation.

Stop giving yourself such a hard time (oh how easy it is to say for someone else!).

Its great that you're going away with your best friend and your cats. And what a great best friend, with not caring about her allergies! That is love, and its beautiful.

I know whenever one of my friends does something really nice for me like that I feel guilty, but you have to remember that your friends want to help you. Because they love you.

And its very good you're writing how you feel. At least you can... right now all I can do is hint around the edges of what's going on for me!!

Saturday, November 22, 2008
kw  

Susan~

Thank you, my friend.

Stephany~

You flatter me. You are the fierce warrior, the amazon, the image of true maternal love.

Anon~

My thanks. Your thoughts are appreciated more than you can imagine.

Svasti~

What can I say? You are so understanding, so gracious and so kind. My hope is that you can walk through the mist that you find yourself right now.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

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