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The Crash.  

Posted by kw in , , ,

The problem of living with a Bipolar II Diagnoses, is that you can never be sure if you are physically or mentally sick. For example, two days ago I started thinking that cutting myself would be something that I should do. I didn't, partly because I was stabbed by the sharp claws of my bete noire chat, Henrietta. I bled, it hurt and the impulse was gone. In the meantime, I'm in serious "crash" mode. It's probably P.M.S., which doesn't make it any easier.

I haven't worked the past couple of days because I just couldn't do it. Right now, I never want to go to work again. Ever. Trust me when I say that this is NOT a slacker point of view. I take pride in my work. But I feel so overwhelmed, that the idea of going anywhere is causing me to literally quake. The thought of talking to anyone besides my best friend Cricket fills me with horror. I have a great friend of mine from High School, who is couch-surfing here whilst he looks for apartments. I'm avoiding him like the plague. He was supposed to leave yesterday, but he's still here.

So I'm hiding in my room, because I don't want him to know that I'm here and struggling. He'd probably try and apply stuff from his own problematic mental health issues. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him. I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to never feel this fragile, low, dreadful and fucked up again.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 8, 2008 at Friday, August 08, 2008 and is filed under , , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

4 comments

Anonymous  

Hiding out really can be your best bet at times. It's unfortunate but sometimes retreat is actually the most healing thing you can do.

People often tell me to be wary of isolating myself, and OK I agree for the most part. But sometimes it's really necessary to recharge and start to think clearly again.

Hang in there!

Saturday, August 09, 2008
kw  

Thanks, CK!
I'm a bit better, I think, but it may be that I'm not dreading facing anyone right now! You should know that my couch-surfing friend had to tell me about his visualization techniques...this after he'd spent most of the past few days sleeping off his depression, rather than flat hunting. I stood quite still, dripping sweat from the physical labour that I'd been doing all day as he snoozed, listening to him and resisting the urge to smack him. It was five in the evening and he was just getting up. Who was it that said "The medium is the message."?!

Sunday, August 10, 2008
Anonymous  

This is such an honest, powerful statement that mirrors one of the worst states I fall into. It's exactly this horror, which we lamely call social anxiety these days, that has caused a lot of damage in professional life and is an ongoing nightmare in staying close to the people I love. Thank you for being so open, and I hope you've been able to come back from this episode. My best wishes to you!

Thursday, August 28, 2008
kw  

John d,

Thank you for your kind words. I just try and speak the truth, in the hopes that it may help those of us who suffer so, not feel quite so alone on the barren steppes of depression. I hope also, that maybe, just maybe, some one may walk away with a better understanding of the plight of the depressed ones. That they may be able to support loved ones and friends, heck, even strangers, if they fight this most unfair of battles.

Monday, September 01, 2008

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