This title is pretty loaded with insinuations, inferences and ignominious associations. In fact, it makes me a tad nervous to even address it. But this year I learned to start to create boundaries. It's a new beginning for me, spineless sycophant that I am! Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this, is due to my friend "X".
X was my second sponsor in a 12-Step Program that I'm in. My first was a male friend, so when X (a female) became available, I switched. At the time X had about fourteen years or so sober, but it was her presence that drew me to her.
Within a few months, she was having a full on melt-down. She exhibited behavior that I would never have tolerated in a "regular" friend. It became so that I was her mental health sponsor and she was my incredibly needy sponsee.
I helped her move in with her fiance, packing up her house, carrying it into my van and bringing it into their new place. As I unloaded my van, she sulked in a chair, angry at the man she was moving in with. Did I mention that I'm not so great in the conflict area?
Despite being hospitalized for months at a time over the past decade, X visited me just once in lock-down. The last time I was in. She wanted to show me the new engagement ring she had. Such a nice thought for a suicidal person on a locked down ward just after Christmas.
I'd given her the link to this blog some time back. I wrote a post about her struggles with depression, which she sent to friends and family. Heck, some of them might be reading this right now. But I know X isn't. How do I know?
Well, a couple of months back I got tired. See, X only calls me when life isn't rosy in her world. Given, X has some terrible health problems. Like cancer. But she wields her illness like a white flag. Everything that has happened, or will, is under the flag. She is above judgement, beyond reproach, excused and accounted for. Her behavior is untouchable.
Her trump card is cancer.
The other day, she left a message on my phone, saying that she hadn't heard from me. That she was worried. That she was angry at me for not calling. X said that she thought maybe I was in hospital, that maybe Cricket would call her.
It is true I haven't called her in the past four or five weeks. Frankly I was burned out. She was improving medically, so I wasn't so worried. I needed to take care of myself as I crashed and burned after the death of Hello Newman. So many of you, my virtual family, have offered support in my times of need. When I had to put Hello Newman to sleep, I was moved by the compassionate and caring comments.
X has no idea about Hello Newman. Although she linked my blog to family members when I wrote a couple of posts about her depression, she clearly doesn't read it. Else, she might have a clue.
And here is the telling part. If you are truly concerned about a friend, you let them know it. You don't tell them that you're pissed. That just makes the pissed on person dig in deeper, to avoid the spray. Call me silly like a smiley, but implied threats of anger and guilt make me want to run away screaming like a little boy.
My current sponsor, with over twenty-five years of sobriety refuses to let me DTMFA (thanks Dan Savage), saying we in the program are all each others appointed friends. Others, like a previous sponsor, said that some are here to help you learn a skill like Patience, Compassion, Understanding and Tolerance. Fecking fabulous.
I just need the skills of Spine, No-fear, Up Your Bum (no, silly, it's a figure of speech)! and emailing all the Xs out there. Can I dump my sponsor for being so annoyingly right? Can I DTMFA myself? Just asking.
Push My Buttons!
Stumble It!
Friends Of Bill.
A Hoy Award.
Thanks to Stephany over at Soulful Sepulchre.
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