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Putting The "Me" Back In Mental.  

Posted by kw in , , ,

You may have noticed that I've been a tad tiresome of late.  I have been struggling with an ongoing low, which I really didn't want to face or own up to.  It has secretly alarmed me, injured me and fecked with my mind.  In particular, my humour, something I rely on heavily.

On Tuesday I told my p-doc that I failed to see the point of continuing medication, as I end up feeling this way.  Typical of my depressions, I cannot recall being happy or content.  He reminded me that I have felt better and that we'd wanted to see me stable for a while before I start to come off the meds.

To that end, he has prescribed a dopamine medication, as the Ritalin worked so well back when.  As it is not usually a p-med, the fecking insurance refused to pay for the $160 it took to fill the script.  I am so sick of the way I feel, that after I walked Griffin, I called CVS back and said I'd pay for it.

Which right now means that Cricket will pay for it.  She has shelled out the money to pay for me to go back to school, and more stuff than my pee-brain can handle right now.  Yet she is insisting I make sure I am well myself, first, before paying her back.

I hate myself right now.  I wish I were done.  I am too exhausted and overwhelmed.  I would leave this mortal coil, were it just me.  This sea of crashing depression is cold, harsh, relentless, with rip-tides and strong currents.  Even if I find a life-raft, it will be a short respite before I am tossed into the sucking, dark waters of despair again.  How can I continue and why?

For now I have to live.  I have no option.  My mess is something I would not wish on anyone.  I have cats that I have chosen to care for.  I have an incalculable debt to Cricket, which has nothing to do with money.  In short, for now I am living for her and my beasties, because I cannot bear to live for myself.

I'll try and write, but please understand if I am not answering emails, comments and calls.  Thank you.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at Wednesday, January 14, 2009 and is filed under , , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

8 comments

Wandering Coyote  

Sometimes I think my cat is the only thing keeping me going.

Take care and do what you want when you want re. commenting/emailing/etc.

Thursday, January 15, 2009
kw  

WANDERING~

I hear you. But your cat is not the only reason to value yourself, although I understand what you are saying completely.

Thursday, January 15, 2009
Anonymous  

I love the word 'feck' - its rather delicious, ain't it?

No matter what the reason, I'm super glad you do have some reasons to keep on truckin'.

We all need them. I know I do.

Any maybe one day, all this will be done. Years from now, I imagine you coming to the realisation that... wait a second... you're happy - and you don't feel like you wish you weren't here.

I hold that vision for you in my prayers, darlin'.

Thursday, January 15, 2009
Immi  

I spent an hour or more Friday night telling a friend why there was no point in living. I'm still not entirely sure I see the point, but I feel it again. I hope you can feel it again soon too. *sending hugs your way*

Thursday, January 15, 2009
Anonymous  

Hey Sweetie, you sound very depressed. I hear the depression talking, not you. I know you don't feel it, but there will be good times again. Take care of yourself and those kitties xx

Thursday, January 15, 2009
Anonymous  

Hi
I just discovered your blog and the posts Ihave read so far are brilliant (but CHELSEA? oh dear!)I'll be reading more as I get the chance. I hope you are feeling better soon.
s

Thursday, January 15, 2009
Unknown  

I hope that you are feeling better and you find the right combo of meds that works for you. Take care

Friday, January 16, 2009
kw  

SVASTI~

Thank you!

I have found that my memory is mood affected. When I am depressed, I cannot recall being well, although intellectually I know this is false.

No doubt Spring will help, but hopefully the new meds will kick in long before the first crocus.

IMMI~

I'm getting there, or at least trying. Had a full meltdown today, which was unwarranted but needed.

Trying to look at the stars through the smog.

LETTERS~

You are so right. I know that I will get better in my mind, but my heart is so sick.

Nigel Nancyboy is curled up next to me, breathing heavily.

HAPPY~

What can I say? Born in Bromley, the only thing I knew about football was their song on Top of the Pops! I still know all the words.

And thank you for commenting. It really does mean a lot to me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

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